wonderfully limping

Many men show glimpses of their innermost being through song, poetry, and paints. Many men express their heartache and joys simply in the lives they live, the hobbies they carry, and the definition they hold for fulfillment. I often speak most freely with pen in hand and blank pages open before me. My prayer journal was certainly one of my closest companions this last summer. Oh the communion I shared with the Trinity on those raw pages! But here and now, I feel this will be my easel. Tonight, my blog shall be my journal… and I hope you will see my spirit.

This summer, God woke me with truth. He taught my cold, hard self that honesty will forever triumph over deceit. It cannot happen any other way. So, tonight, I bear my soul to you. This is my heart.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.” Psalm 25:16-18

I spent a summer begging God to break me. I literally spent 3 months asking Him to overtake my soul, throw down my strong-places, trample my pride, and lay my glory in the dust. I repeatedly asked God to break me… and leave me broken. I wanted my hip touched this summer. I wanted to return to College Station limping. I wanted to see myself as the insignificance that I am and see my God as the great Foundation that I truly must stand on. I wanted an ache in my soul with every stride reminding me of the gracious God on which I depend.

And you know what?

God answers prayers.

My hip has been touched. My soul limps with each and every step. And though I hoped all breaking would be finished by summer’s end, it certainly is not.

My heart hurts. And I know I am certainly not alone in this. So many people are just aching right now in the midst of this imperfect world. I admit that even depression seems evident in me and I cannot explain the cause. Lonliness is evident even amongst so much fellowship. Despite busyness, the Spirit has kept me in the Scriptures and in prayer. Ministry is in abundance and He has me in the middle of it. I am watching brothers and sisters growing leaps and bounds in Him. And it is not sin that is keeping my soul hurting.

No, it is some sort of dark night in which I tread. Some dark night of brokenness.

I cannot explain it. I trust only in the Lord. He is disciplining me and growing me and I know fully that He alone knows best.

And so, to any who read seeking empathy and encouragement, this is all I have. Three Scriptures. Three truths. Three drops of water in a dry place. Three bites of bread.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” Psalm 51:17

“For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened – not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed but be Life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him.” II Corinthians 5:2-9

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:3,4

Take and eat what satisfies.

Thank You for the encouragement You have blessed me with in Jenn, in Nick, in Ben, in Carl, in Mark, in Jimbo, in Clark, and in so many others. Thank You for carrying me through.

I give up all of this busyness, all these stresses, all these commitments, relationships, responsibilities. Everything. I give it up. All to You.

I will rejoice in suffering and worship my Creator. God let not this dark time get in the way of You loving through me! Do not stem the tide of living water that flows from my heart. Father, be glorified in me! And let not the Enemy deceive my eyes. Expand Your Kingdom.

I worship You. I smile in You. I trust in You.

You are my Everything.

I am nothing.

I love You so much.