Hopeful Crippling

I praise God for a wonderful birthday full of incredible encouragement. The phone calls, meals, and, of course, facebook messages were immensely uplifting. God is so good. But I must say that the greatest thing to happen on your birthday is to hear from those old friends – the ones you may not have talked to for months or years – that take the time to remember you, love on you, and wish you a happy birthday.

Father, thank you for yesterday. It was real good.

Last night, I got to spend an hour or so with my buddy Ben while he was getting packed for the Marine Corps’ Officer Candidate School. For those of you that know him, you know him as nothing less than a great man of God. For those of you that don’t, I would describe him as one of the best examples of an “unveiled face” that I have ever seen. You can only be around him for two minutes and still feel the very love of Christ radiating from his heart. This guy is a hero of mine.

But as we were catching up on each others’ lives, a culmination of my emotion and ponderings from throughout last week started to take shape. I realized a few days earlier that the Lord had brought me home to work on me, mold me, and grow me. But it wasn’t until last night that I realized how badly I was in need of it and began to see how far it would really go.

I am messed up. I think I am starting to understand that.

I don’t know when it was, but somewhere between me leaving Camp Champions last year and now, I started to try to look strong. In my pride, I began to spend more time trying to look right than actually be right. In fact, I spent so much effort trying to use God’s name in enough conversation and serving enough people to “meet the standard others would have of a ‘godly man’” that I even started to believe I was some strong godly example. We all know it goes downhill from there.

I have worked so hard at trying to look right. I have invested countless hours of energy into trying to be “together” and “firm” and have even convinced myself that it was “for the good of those around me.”

And I got even more messed up.

Once I believed I was doing great, I systematically slackened in areas I realized no one would be able to recognize. Remember, I played the game: I knew when to say what and where to put on this growing mask. I was still spending hours of time “pouring into people” in a desperate attempt to fill the increasing hole in my heart. So, my time in the Word became fairly inconsistent, my prayer life became quite shallow, sin issues deepened, my selfishness grew (most noticeable in my drastically altered perspective on money), and my mistakes became more and more hard to hide. Since coming home, I have found it nearly impossible to pretend to be a man that I would never deserve to be considered… much less agree with.

Being a man of God is not trying to act in accordance to how a Christian should look… it is acting out of a love for the Lord in every corner of you life.

I need not look right.

I need to imperfectly pursue loving Him... and being conformed by Him, for Him.

And so, I have a hopeful desire for crippling this summer. As Jacob once wrestled God at ancient Peniel, so must I this summer. And I do not want to return to College Station the same. Jacob left that night with a limp in his step and a new name. I prayerfully await both.

Father, break me this summer. Touch my hip. Allure me into the wilderness and speak tenderly to my ear. Do not make me stronger. No, I pray for a lifetime of brokenness. I desire the displaced hip of Israel himself. Daddy God, make me Your’s alone and fully reliant on Your power. May no man ever see me as sturdy… I pray that they merely see me leaning on you. Never again do I want to stand alone.

I know that this will not be the end of my pride. I know I will fail. But, Father, You have brought me home to face old trials, to question former struggles, to seek Truth, to seek You, to love and to grow.

Thank You for Ben, his wise council, love and prayers. Bless him and use him at OCS.

Be glorified.

Cripple my hip.